When the hit open-world videogame Skyrim hit stores, videogamers rejoiced. With its depth of options, beautifully crafted narrative, and expansive world, this game finally promised to answer the question which had so long been at the front of the peoples’ mind: could I fight and defeat a dragon?
Flash-forward one week and we had a resounding answer; YES!!!!!!!
We had done accomplished the impossible. Finally, those fire-breathing lizard sons of bitches could be cut down without the aid of even one knight from even one round table. However as it is with oh so many battles, this was not the decisive one, and the victor was afforded little time to rejoice in the gaining of the upper hand. For when had superior technology every provided a permanent advantage?
A troubling thought crept into our collective minds: would not a creature of fire logically be the most natural of blacksmiths? “My God”, the entire world screamed in unison, “those motherfuckers are going to make armor!” Yes. As terrifying as this revelation was, it was surely true. But could we beat them?
My answer is simple; no, no we cannot. We are a doomed race. Like the dinosaurs before us, we have stumbled against an immovable barrier which prevents us from dreaming of a future. The armored dragon is to mankind as Bartman was to the Cubs, as the sun is to gingers, as the urge to drink is to Bostonians; unconquerable.
And so I urge everybody who can to enjoy their last times. If you’re in Cleveland or Chicago, fret not should your team not win the world series, simply rejoice that you were able to witness them compete at the highest level one last time before a terrifying lizard from the goddman paleolithic era char-broils all your loved ones whilst encased in a beautifully crafted full-body suit of armor.