Tagg Romney Confused and Scared by Movie “Tag”

With the new movie “Tag” set to hit theaters on June 15th, 2018, a fresh door to hell has popped open in the psyche of Tagg Romney.

The telegenic scion of the Romney clan, Tagg has made his name by being born with his last name. It has not been a life without struggle, as Tagg has multiple times been mistaken for one of the other Romney clones. Even the popular show “New Girl” took a swipe at the Romney’s, with Schmidt impersonating one for personal gain. Throughout the turmoil and strife, the ups and downs, the peaks and valleys, Tagg has maintained an equanimity unbeknownst to those who have not read Siddhartha, and I mean like really read Siddhartha. This shell of security has been shattered by “Tag”, the movie.

A rollicking comedy based upon an article in the Wall Street Journal, the movie “Tag” focuses on a lifelong game of tag played by five long-time friends. Starring Ed Helms, Jon Hamm, Hannibal Burress, Jeremy Renner, and Jake Johnson, the film is the type of light-hearted summer fare upon which every red-blooded American gorges come the dog days. With the heated political climate and heated actual climate, this story of five cool guys having a care-free time playing a children’s game is perfect for everybody. Everybody, that is, except Tagg Romney.

Walking down the street, Tagg hears, “Tag!”, and whirls, only to see a dumb little boy pointing and shouting at a billboard for the movie. “Tag, you’re it!”, no longer a compliment to Tagg’s place in the zeitgeist, instead confused and addles the mind of the soft-headed son of a once almost-President. Imagine, a world in which strangers were screaming your name without ever knowing who you are, or what you stand for?

But what about in childhood? Should not Tagg have been exposed to and inoculated this foul social construct during his early year? The answer is no. Tagg and his brothers would play the board game “Sorry!” exclusively. This was meant as a method by which to train the young whipper-snappers to be modest, and humble. Interestingly, the game’s confusingly punctuated title only served to teach the Romney youths a strangely exuberant style of apology which has helped their father win numerous elections.

And so today you may find wandering the streets of Utah or Massachusetts a broken shell of a man. A man once so privileged that the only job titles he had held were, “Management Consultant” and, “Venture Capitalist”. Hark! Could there be two more do-nothing, make-a-ton job titles than those? Now he hovers about, whirling, craning his neck for a glimpse of his pursuers, and finally darting off into an alley to hide. Is this the end he deserved? Surely not.

See “Tag”, in theaters everywhere June 15th, 2018!

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