I’ve got 99 Problems, and I will list them to prove “A B*tch Ain’t One”

Recently I’ve hit some tough times. A lot of projects have been on the cusp of bearing fruit, only to disappoint at the most crucial moments. Coincidentally, I’ve been speaking of troubles more and more often to those closest to me. When I enumerate the trials and tribulations which fate has allotted me, I come to the figure 99. I have 99 problems. Invariably I’m asked, “Is a bitch one?” The answer is no, but they are persistent. To prove beyond a doubt that among my 99 problems there is nary a bitch, I’ve compiled the following list in no particular order.

  1. The New York Knicks Front Office: They’ve threatened to trade the one good decision they’ve made in my conscious life and Phil Jackson is living in a fantasy land. Spoiler: His fantasy is to fuck the Knicks.
  2. Nickelback: It’s been far too long since they’ve released that good-good
  3. Books on Tape: With the caveat that they’re good if you’re actually focused, I would like to state that having a book on in the background while you watch TV does not mean you read “War and Peace”, nor does it qualify you to discuss it.
  4. Luddites: What a preposterous group. I can say that because they’ll never read this.
  5. TNT with Plungers: The wires create an unnecessary risk that your scheming will be for naught.
  6. The Pope: Theologically, we’re on the same page, but becoming Pope does not absolve you of debts. He owes me $16 bucks, mitre or no mitre.
  7. Donald Trump: He is ruining every old-timey movie by making the villains seem logical and boring by contrast.
  8. The Batman: Why is he so serious?
  9. The University of Notre Dame: On some level I respect any institution which charges you tens of thousands of dollars and then tries to shame you into giving more once you graduate, but come on guys, fuck off for a year at least.
  10. Boris Johnson: *Lesser Trump
  11. Matthew McConaughey: By giving every lesser-actor out there hope that they could have their own “McConaissance”, McConaughey has ruined the cinematic landscape for generations to come. He is the global warming of actors.
  12. Wood Floors: “Let’s make our floors out of something bugs eat!” WRONG AND STUPID
  13. Lists: You think it’s a cheap idea for an easy article, then you set the number too high and BAM! Regrets, so many regrets.
  14. Inconsistent Pluralization: Mouse -> Mice, House -> Hice; why?
  15. The healthcare legislation currently in the Senate: This is more a personal preference, I would rather more successful folks sacrifice luxury to save the lives of the most needy, but that’s just me.
  16. Terra Incognita: This phrase is outdated and unnecessary. We have planes and GPS. Strike this phrase from the record!
  17. Gone Girl: In hindsight, very predictable and I knew what would happen the whole time.
  18. Lighters: Some of them are heavy. They should be called burners, and disposable phones should be disposies.
  19. War: What is it good for? To be continued…
  20. Any Speech which Omits Puns: If you can’t figure out a way to work a pun in, you don’t know English well enough to script speeches.
  21. Binary Code: The computer-nazis who came up with this one have conditioned a generation of tech-kids to think without flexibility.
  22. Sky-net: You know why.
  23. Joe Wirth: Sometimes you join a blog with some good friends with the guarantee that you’ll be the golf guy, then you wake up one day and Joe Wirth has somehow finagled his way into press credentials to a golf event. I guess I’ll just go over here and fuck on off then.
  24. The Number 24: Not a big Kiefer Sutherland fan. Check out his album, “Down in a Hole”, and you won’t be either.
  25. Chopin: More of a Brahms guy personally.
  26. The Flaming Lips: Their music is amazing. Their style is impeccable. Their name gives me night terrors.
  27. Bean-bag Chairs: To call this a chair is an affront to chairdom.
  28. Password Requirements: I remember a time when “password” would be accepted by any site vying for my membership. Now Apple berates me for my weak passwords and simple phrases, and I am a broken man.
  29. The Plight of the Kurd: I do not know enough about this particular conflict to make many statements confidently, I just know that they are currently the largest ethnic group without their own nation and that seems sad to me.
  30. ISIS: These guys are evil.
  31. Pale Skin: God has seen fit to make the sun itself my most hated enemy. Every day I meet her on the battlefield, and every night I retreat once more beaten.
  32. Cantaloupe: Despite the attempts of friends’ mothers, I will never succumb to the sweet sphere.
  33. Lack of Sizing Uniformity: It is preposterous that in the modern age the sizing of shoes, shirts, hats, etc. vary wildly from brand to brand. Let’s figure this out, and leave our kids something worth wearing.
  34. Off-brand Legos: I understand that Legos are more expensive, but it’s for a reason.
  35. Daniel Day Lewis: His presence on this list is merely a ploy to try and get him out of retirement. The problem is truly that he is retired.
  36. Bill Cosby: This asshole admits to drugging women to have sex with them, somehow the jury in his trial gets hung (reportedly 10-2 in favor of conviction), and then he schedules a speaking tour to lecture on how not to be accused of sexual assault. This guy’s a real piece of shit.
  37. Chaebol: Chaebol are large, family-run corporations in South Korea. Just look them up. They were originally created so that certain families would control various industries, and these families would be patronized by the government. Surprisingly this has resulted in corruption!
  38. The LOST Finale: One cannot introduce a million threads to only tie-up three. ONE CANNOT.
  39. Shotgunning: Recently I learned at a bachelor party that shotgunning is not only difficult, but also bad for me. My friend is now my foe. I call him Willem. Willem da Foe.
  40. Colostomy Bags: I recognize the need for them, I just lament it.
  41. Board Games: Anything that’s a homophone for “Bored Games” seems bad.
  42. Ka Hin Lee: This guy threatens to kill me every time we meet. Soon it shall be decided.
  43. The Golden State Warriors: It’s hard for me to put into words why exactly I find them so unbearable, it’s more of a visceral ire.
  44. The French Language: This one is very personal. I’m trying to learn French, and it’s very hard for me. Why can’t it be easier?
  45. Zahm: I never even had anything against them, but this was the dorm I was taught to hate. Sorry guys, but I’m a great student.
  46. My Haters: Granted that nobody knows who I am or cares much about what I do, but if they did, and if they fell on the side of hate, that would be very disappointing.
  47. Crying: I wish I could stop.
  48. Laughing: It’s not really a problem, but people find it weird that I laugh while crying.
  49. Alchemy: The peasants have ruined all my lead by turning it into gold, but I already have too much gold!
  50. De Jure vs. De Facto: I always get them mixed up and seem like an asshole at fancy galas.
  51. The Current Zeitgeist: I’m just generally not impressed with what we’ve got here.
  52. Long Movies: If you have as story that’s going to take more than 2 hours to tell, consider a mini-series.
  53. The Modern Workday: Let me work when I want! I’m a sleepy boy!
  54. Schadenfreude: One should not revel in the misfortune of others.
  55. Carpe Diem: Good for movies, bad for real life. If you don’t plan ahead, bad things happen.
  56. Top Knots: If I can’t have one, neither can you! Use that knot, tie you to a truck, see who’s top now…
  57. Libraries: Either give me the book, or keep it for yourself, but stop changing your mind!
  58. Sony: For too long Sony has held the X-Men and Spider-man franchises captive. Finally they have relented and released the Spider-man to us, but many of the X-Men remain hopelessly incarcerated, despite North Korea and Deadpool’s best efforts. Let’s keep them in our thoughts.
  59. Crime: This one might be controversial for you criminals out there. I see crime as a basic infringement upon my inalienable rights as a human being. But what if a man with less bread steals only a bit of my bread to feed his starving family? Maybe he should be a baker. Tough stance, but I’m a tough guy, and I say, “Fuck crime!”
  60. Vows of Chastity: Why those sexy nuns gotta play like that?
  61. Chastity Belts: Belts are for the dumb who cannot size pants, not the sexy.
  62. Timon: Everybody knows that Pumbaa carries that duo through the entirety of The Lion King. Don’t even get me started on the uselessness of Rafiki.
  63. The Brawny Man: This man has staked his masculinity on the absorbency of paper towels; are we left no real heroes?
  64. Count Chocula: Unpopular opinion, but I believe him to be a white man in black face, and in my book, that’s abhorrent and disgusting.
  65. Blue’s Clues: Stop being so coy Blue!
  66. Neil Gorsuch: This dum-dum barely know law! I make strong law, he no stop! Window law? Me know more. Boooooooo!
  67. The Cat in the Cradle: He stole my silver spoon!
  68. Thomas the Spank Engine: This terrifying play on words has led to millions of children accidentally finding filth the likes of which should never see the light of day. Shame on you internet!
  69. Drapes: While more aesthetically pleasing, they do not offer the solar flexibility which blinds afford.
  70. The Amount of Back Doors our Apartment has: If I need to take the trash out I need to deal with four locks. That is a preposterous amount and is not warranted by the value of what is contained in our apartment. How am I supposed to keep track of four keys for the back, one for the garage, and two for the front doors? I’m not Albert Einstein, anybody would back me up on that.
  71. Algebra: Geometry? Yes please. Arithmetic? Uh, as much as you can spare! Calculus? Yeah, I fucks with calculus. Algebra? NEVER.
  72. Game of Thrones: A guy had the thought, “what if every protagonist dies?”, and everyone loses their gosh-darned minds. At least we know Jon Snow will make it! Right?
  73. Global Warming: I’m sick of everyone freaking out over nothing. It gets warm every summer, but nobody panicked about it until the lame-stream media got too sweaty and couldn’t get in the cool pools that all the republican lawmakers were genius enough to build to help with trickle-down economics. It’s policy 101.
  74. The use of “American” in Movie Titles: The wave of populism has hit theaters hard. A cursory search of the International Movie Database reveals the movies “American Satan”, “American Violence”, and “American Assassin” are coming out this year. Am I the only one seeing this?
  75. Kellyanne Conway: This dumb monster has been ignoring logic and the definition of various words for too long! Really she’s on this list as a surrogate for the general milieu of idiocy in the White House right now, but she’s especially ill-informed. She’s branded lies, “alternative facts”, and also claimed the healthcare bill in it’s current form doesn’t cut back on benefits to the poor, which it explicitly does.
  76. Masterchef Junior: It seems very strange to me to force children to cook for the entertainment and pleasure of adults. Just one more step towards rolling back those pesky child-labor laws.
  77. Pluto: Just fuck off, Pluto (the planet, I’m a big fan of Mickey’s dog).
  78. Monsanto: Not a lot of specifics here, but they just seem like an evil corporation which is bound to accidentally unleash some sort of corn-sourced terror on us all.
  79. Gmail Ads: Please stop advertising in my inbox, I keep thinking that various parties have special offers just for me only to be disappointed when I realize it’s an ad.
  80. The Educational System: If you’ve read this far in this meandering list, the educational system has failed you as it has failed me.
  81. Raccoons: A creature evolved seemingly for the singular purpose of annoying the shit out of everybody. Their cute masks and playful nature almost save them, almost.
  82. Small Cups: I don’t want to make multiple trips, so how about we get the most liquid we can, huh?
  83. Evasive Pokemon: That which I desire most evades me most consistently.
  84. Iron Fist: I was so excited for this series. It’s the fourth and final series introducing a hero of New York before we can get to the Defenders series, and boy, did they fall on their faces. I’m breaking no new news here, just confirming that I agree with the general reception. I don’t want to spoil it, but let me say this; this show’s protagonist is a man who has supposedly mastered his emotions, yet loses his temper or is rattled in almost every scene.
  85. Lavar Ball: Just google him, he’s ruining his childrens’ lives.
  86. 1930’s-Era USSR: I’m just reading about what Stalin did to the Ukrainian people during this period, and it is a tragedy of immense proportions.
  87. Croc-Haters: Just because you’re not secure enough in yourself to enjoy the most perfect union of function and comfort that human-kind has ever had does not justify your reactionary hatred of it.
  88. Crocodiles: These monsters have seen too much.
  89. Alligators: *See 88
  90. Killer Whales: To be clear, I hate the name “Killer Whales”. Call them “Orcas”. If we apply that naming logic it makes the world too scary. I can’t live around “Killer Bears”, “Killer Wolves”, and “Killer Falcons”.
  91. Typos: Just knowing that I probably made a typo in this list, but also knowing that I’m too lazy to proofread this whole thing, haunts me.
  92. Semi-Colons vs. Commas: Similar to the last item, it haunts me knowing that I probably use these two tools of writing not only incorrectly, but frequently incorrectly.
  93. The Alignment of Social Groups with Political Groups: Studies have shown that when entire social groups align directly with political groups it enhances polarization and increases the likelihood of radicalization. This seems bad?
  94. Mouse Pads: No, I’m not talking about little mouse houses. Mouse pads seem like a relic of an earlier age. It’s as if once mouse pads were invented, improvements on the mouse ceased to be sought. We have to be able to design a mouse that can move smoothly over various surfaces, right?
  95. Garbanzo Beans / Chick Peas, Edamame / Soy Beans: Let’s decide on one or the other for each of these foods, it is totally unnecessary to have two names for one bean.
  96. Standing Desks: The one benefit of working a desk job is that I have an excuse to sit around all day. Now you’re telling me I have to feel guilty for that at work too?
  97. The Ides of March: I’d beware of them if I were you.
  98. Casper: He’s friendly, maybe a little TOO friendly.
  99. Febreze: I don’t know how I’m constantly fooled, but the trade-off of eliminating smells in exchange for a splitting headache is never a good one.

 

See! No bitches!

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