The Scourge of Iowa

Cedar Rapids, Iowa –

Four more succumbed today to what is quickly becoming known as the “Scourge of Iowa”. An eyewitness from out-of-state was quoted, “this is unbelievable.” Unbelievable indeed.

The conditions surrounding this particular terror are midwestern in every particular. Red octagons. Manners. An abundance of patience. Innocuous enough on their own, but deadly together.

Iowans have been dying 2 to 4 at a time while at four-way stops.

An eye-witness described the scene, “It was insane. All four of them just pulled up there at the same time, just right at the same time. And then they just sat there. I was walking home from school and thought nothing of it. It seemed weird when they were there the next day, and the next, and the next. Eventually they were corpses. Beautiful corpses.” Additionally, the witness noted that each driver displayed a cheerful grin and kindly waving motion for the duration of the episode.

iowan
Eye-witness Dupe Schmook with local law enforcement Parti Smith and Frit Apshy

Despite the tragedy, the corn-fed freak quoted above, as well as others, do not see the victims as back-country, yokel, know-nothing, morons more worried about form than substance, but instead as paragons of a bygone age of manners and customs tailored to comfort.

Iowan government has been slow to respond as there are several four-way stops between their respective residences and the capitol.

As of the printing of this article, a cadre of asshats had been sighted at a four-way stop in Ames, stalled for a day. Fatalities could be in the teens as a domino-effect has taken hold. Corn.

"Be ye mere corn or a panacea for the Earth? Ye be both!" - Anonymous Iowan
“Be ye mere corn or a panacea for the Earth? Ye be both!” – Anonymous Iowan

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