Live Blog: The Last 18 Minutes of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

I come in. BOOM. LADY GAGA.

She’s starting of strong; incorporating a funk beat into a pop song with a supporting cast featuring a strong tie-dye bandana.

lady-gaga
Lady Gaga, very attractive, but no Victoria’s Secret angel.

Before I can thank Hendrix 2.0, boobs are flying down that runway. Lady Gaga’s still performing, but who cares.

This is some sort of test. Each model is dressed like a sexy black ostrich, and somehow it’s exactly what I’ve always wanted.

The sexiest bird for my money.
The Ostrich, the sexiest bird for my money.

Some would argue that models are overpaid for hitting the genetic lottery and walking, but I disagree. I’m a Buddhist, and these women must have flown the Enola Gay to earn those physiques. Also diet and exercise can’t hurt.

My god the ostrich feathers continue to grow. OH FUCK THAT GIRL JUST TOOK FLIGHT. Just kidding, the ostrich is a flightless bird, and sexy is heavy.

FUCK GAGA GOT WINGS. Pink turban Nick Cannon is unimpressed. I’m now unimpressed. He Drumlined me. Bruno Mars still to come for the grand finale.

Commercials.

Local basketball coach pushed a kid. Not a good look guy.

Oh man; this a singing pig movie? Meatloaf coming back? Nah, it’s an animated pig, not an alcoholic one. NEXT AD UP.

Meatloaf. Does he deserve this joke? No. Do you? Yes.
Meatloaf. Does he deserve this joke? No. Do you? Yes.

Tide. Boo.

Commercial which calls me sexist then throws maxi-pads in my face. Wow. I’m hurting all over and have some things to mull over. NEXT AD.

Twix commercial. These guys are killing it. Right Twix.

Herd of plain cars vs. Cadillac with classical music. Give me the plain car. Screw the oligarchy.

OH YOU PLAYING TENNIS NOW. Okay, now you in a sweet car with nice shoes and a classy dress. I respect you, and want to be you. Oh all I need is a golden Mastercard? Sign me up for bankruptcy!

Lolz, this commercial makes it seem like the models are pretty because of what they’re wearing. IT’S WHO THEY ARE THAT MAKES THEM BEAUTIFUL.

Colbert never dies.

McDonald’s commercial making me sad for this guy waiting for the McRib. Every year they try and trick me into thinking the McRib is good. Every year they succeed. Bastards.

A movie about rich people trying to convince others that they’re the richest. Sounds shitty, but Adam Scott is involved. I know when I’m wrong. Must watch.

Adam Scott poses for a portrait to promote the film, "The Overnight", at the Eddie Bauer Adventure House during the Sundance Film Festival on Friday, Jan. 23, 2015, in Park City, Utah. (Photo by Victoria Will/Invision/AP)
Adam Scott poses for a portrait to promote the film, “The Overnight”, at the Eddie Bauer Adventure House during the Sundance Film Festival on Friday, Jan. 23, 2015, in Park City, Utah. (Photo by Victoria Will/Invision/AP)

Oh shit that house is so safe. Real time alerts? Live video monitoring to watch your shit get jacked? Ideal. Xfinity home safety; let the worst company in further.

This creepy old dude telling me about the Victoria’s Secret models is unsettling. Haha, this guy just said, “When you sign a Victoria’s Secret contract, the exposure is huge.” Am I cross-eyed, or is that entendre doubled?

Over 250 million social media followers. Those are almost The Otter Room numbers. Almost.

Why is Victoria’s Secret trying to convince me that pretty rich people rule the world? I see the world. I know they’re right.

OH SHIT IT’S LITTLE COCAINE FIENDY BRUNO MARS. Dude knows how to appropriate a bygone era’s music and act like he invented it. He looks like Jerry in a tux. The mouse. He’s tiny. But goddammit if I don’t respect the hell out of him.

He’s right, there are so many pretty girls around him.

Why is this enjoyable for me? I won’t buy the underwear and I won’t ever be able to speak to these women. If I could speak to them, I’d impress them with my wit and candor. They’d find me humorous, then my bullies would see!

Oh wow, pretty people are bad dancers. It’s okay. I’ll tell them they’re good dancers. I’ll be there for them.

Lenny Kravitz. G.O.A.T. Hunger Games did him wrong.

SHE’S A BUTTERFLY

I find it a privilege to be the dermatological counterpoint to these women’s complexions.

If someone weren't pale, they couldn't be tan.
If someone weren’t pale, they couldn’t be tan.

Oh they’re all on stage now. Not going to lie, thought there were like 10 of them, but there are like 50. They all look the same. Is it worth it to be a cookie cutter? Who am I kidding; of course it is. Nobody suffers from being born into the popular conception of beauty. Unless they want to be a serious actor.

AND IT’S OVER.

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