Leave it to the millennials to bring technology to one of the world’s oldest professions: panhandling. Don’t get me wrong Kickstarter has a history of helping truly needy people: entrepreneurs weighed down by student loans, underfunded inventors, and down on their luck actors like Zach Braff who need a measly two million to make a movie, but all-in-all it tends to be home to people essentially broadcasting their Christmas list to the world.
This being said, I think that I have finally landed on a Kickstarter campaign that might be worth a damn to society: I want to ask all the college football fans of the world to donate one dollar in order to pay Nick Saban to stop coaching football. I’ve done the math out and it works. Nate Silver claims that between 75-80 million people regularly pay attention to college football, which means 74-79 million of them are sick of Alabama winning year after year. Saban’s current contract is about $7 million dollars annually, meaning if everyone donates their dollar, we can match his salary for about ten or eleven years. He’ll be seventy-five by that point, and will have caught Mack Brown’s apathy disease anyway.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t take another year of people asking, “who’s going to be in the championship game with Alabama this year?” It’s similarly pathetic how we football fans get so excited if an agreed upon good team even plays Alabama in a close game — a close loss should not feel like a win to most of the country. In college football, without a salary cap, there really is no way to regulate the system of success begetting more success. And since Alabama continues to win, and has by far the best college coach out there today, it will continue to get the best recruits and win week after week, year after year.
I know what you might be saying: “But Beau, Alabama’s success creates such a good David and Goliath narrative, and it makes games like the Kick-six game so much more satisfying to watch them lose!” Well, while that was masterfully put strawman that I made up, you are wrong. I went to Catholic School for basically my entire education, so I feel like I have some insight on this David and Goliath comparison. See, when David (Israelite) beat Goliath (Philistine), David chopped off Goliath’s head and the Israelites beat the Philistines. But, in real life, Goliath (Alabama) ended up getting a birth in the 2014 Sugar Bowl, and would win the national championship again two years later.
Now I’m not trying to be a hater here or anything. I respect Nick Saban almost as much as I hate him. It’s his loyalty that’s forcing me to start this Kickstarter, Texas surely could have paid him more if he was willing to leave the Alabama program. I just think that a little bit of parity is good for college football, I’m not asking for any participation trophies, just a belief that one spot in the playoffs is not already taken before the season even begins.
I’m a realist, though, and I know that this scenario will likely not come to fruition. Nick Saban loves to coach and he likely will not leave coaching to sit pretty off of the millions of dollars we have raised for him. Fear not because there is a plan B that I will use your money for if Saban declines. I will track down and buy the Necronomicon, also known as the book of the dead. With the power of the Necronomicon I will resurrect Knute Rockne to lead Notre Dame back to glory and like two titans ignite college football’s Armageddon: Saban vs. Rockne. Incidentally, I will likely need to sacrifice a virgin to complete this ritual. So if you fall in the middle of the Venn Diagram of Virgin and Notre Dame fan, tweet at me at @beaudolan. Let’s be real if you care about Notre Dame football and are a virgin this season, you’re probably already dead inside anyway.